Stream

 I woke up today very early, far too early. My brain buzzing with noise and rambling thoughts.

I thought of you first, unfortunately. I miss you, I said to myself, but I still don't know how much of that is true. I miss you and I wonder if you feel the same. Sometimes I want to think that you do, because that would make me feel better and it's a totally selfish thing to think. It doesn't matter anyway, even if you miss me I guess I'd rather not knowing. Because if I do, if I know you miss me, I'd want to go back to you and that would be the worst idea I'd had in a long time. I know, or a part of me knows, that we're not good together, that even if I tried to explain who I am time and time again, you only listened to the part you understood; I know you didn't see me, not really. You had an idea of me that I'm sure I never filled in, or maybe you just wanted to see some sort of reflection that you couldn't find. I wanted empathy, you wanted confrontation. It is sad, really, to see now that our differences were so basic. I was willing, you see, to meet you at least halfway, to show you that I'm worth the trouble, the work that you were never going to put in. It hurt. That's actually what hurt the most, realising that I wasn't worth it for you. For a while, for what it seemed like a very long time, I blamed myself for that, I thought I just wasn't enough. Enough of an intelectual, enough of a feminist, enough of a guy, just enough. It's been taking everything I have to take myself out of that loop and start feeling like I deserve what I want. It sucks. It sucks to still feel like I miss you, like I want to say so many things to you and knowing that it's all for nothing, that talking to you would only result in you asking me questions that only you have the answer for, and that will only satisfy you, that having you back in any way would only break me. It makes me sad, because at more than one point I actually thought we were at least compatible.

Then, my mind drifted away. It came back to what the day to day is and felt overwhelmingly tired. I got angry thinking that I've come too far to teach a kid how to live with other. I want to feel at home and I don't, I feel like I have to repeat myself again and again and again with the most basic of things. It angers me, it tires me, I'm becoming so weary that I want to leave and never come back. I want my space back. It is not that I don't want to share, it's that I don't want to teach someone else how to do so. I don't have children, I don't want'em, I have no patiente for them and now I'm living with one, a 20-something year-old child who is not even willing to listen. Damn, I feel invisible. All I get is "I'm sorry", "I didn't think", "be patient"... my patience is wearing out and even if I'm trying my best to keep my cool, I really don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to raise a child, I don't want to have to give rules that are just simply common freaking sense.Yet, here I am, not knowing what to do with the anger of living with someone that I despise in this capacity.